Erotic Templates: Why We Want What We Want

Where Do Erotic Templates Come From?

Erotic templates don't always come out of nowhere. They're often the product of:

1. Early Life Experiences

While not inherently sexual, some aspects of the erotic template can be formed in adolescence through emotionally charged moments. For instance, if someone had their first arousing experience around a person wearing heels, the mind may forever associate heels with desire. But layered onto that may be themes of elegance, danger, femininity, or control. Psychologically, this is a form of associative learning, where emotions become cross wired with arousal during a time when the brain is laying down complex identity pathways. 

2. Symbolic Representation of Emotional Needs

For some, what turns us on goes beyond a surface level action. At its core, the erotic template often dramatizes emotional needs we may not have been able to get met in ordinary life or that we find difficult to name in non-sexual terms. For example, someone who feels responsible for major decisions or emotional labor in every day life may feel most aroused when physically restrained or through surrendering in the bedroom. 

3. The Role of Socialization and Taboo

What’s celebrated or condemned in one's culture affects comfort with different types of desire. Someone raised in a conservative household may erotize forbidden sex more intensely than someone in a sexually open environment. Early exposure to certain aesthetics or fantasies can shape one’s erotic imagination by reinforcing certain themes. Mass media and pornography may provide a vivid archive of sexual narratives. Movies, novels, and even advertising embed powerful sexual scripts like the bad boy or mysterious stranger. People often internalize these narratives and incorporate them into their own erotic lives. 

Can Erotic Templates Be Changed? 

Our erotic templates are deeply ingrained, often shaped by years (or decades) of fantasy or lived experience. But human sexuality is not static and we’re adaptable creatures. The brain’s neuroplasticity (its ability to reorganize and rewire itself) means that what turns us on can shift over time, especially when new patterns are introduced with emotional repetition. 

So, how can they change? 

• Fantasy as a Laboratory: Erotic change often starts in the realm of imagination. Playing with new ideas mentally can be the first step in reshaping desire.  Intimacy with a trusted partner can expand or refine what feels arousing. Sometimes, connection reshapes the terrain of desire entirely — because it adds new emotional textures to familiar stimuli. 

• New Experiences Create New Associations: Exposure to new positive sexual experiences can gradually introduce new elements into a person’s erotic map. Someone who never considered themselves to be kinky might discover that bondage brings unexpected joy. 

• Healing Work or Therapy: When desire is linked to trauma or shame, therapeutic work can soften the grip of old patterns. Some people find that healing makes space for new erotic possibilities to emerge, ones not tied to defense or coping mechanisms. Someone who once only got aroused by powerlessness might, after a long healing process, find pleasure in taking control.