Taking Space or Stonewalling?

Taking Space: A Healthy Timeout

Taking space is an intentional, temporary pause designed to prevent escalation and promote self regulation. It means one or both people in a relationship consciously step back in conflict to manage overwhelming emotions and reflect before engaging again. But there are some key characteristics of healthy space-taking that contrast from harmful behaviors like the silent treatment. 

Communicated clearly: When the conversation feels like it's going in circles or becomes more about defensiveness than understanding, that may be a good moment to take space.

Time-bound: There is a set intention to return to the discussion.

Self-aware: The person taking space knows they’re emotionally flooded and recognizes the need to cool off.

Mutual respect: It’s used to protect both people from saying or doing something harmful, not as a form of control or punishment.

Example: "I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’m going to take a 30 minute walk to clear my head. Can we check in around 6:00?" 

Why It's Healthy:

Taking space allows for emotional regulation and helps both people return to the conversation more grounded and open. Setting a specific time frame communicates the intention to come back to the conversation, which prevents the other person from feeling abandoned or dismissed. This approach frames the space-taking as a protective move for both people rather than an emotional power play. It affirms the importance of the relationship and the shared goal of connection, even in conflict. 

Stonewalling: When Silence Turns Cold

Stonewalling, on the other hand, is a form of emotional withdrawal characterized by refusal to engage. Unlike taking space, stonewalling is often uncommunicative, punishing, and used to avoid vulnerability or control the interaction. Giving the silent treatment or stonewalling someone usually follows a pattern.

No communication or explanation: The person disengages abruptly without saying why or for how long. This can look like suddenly walking out, hanging up the phone, or ignoring the other party's attempts at resolution.

Avoidance: The conflict is often ignored, minimalized or denied altogether. There's no indication of when or even if the conversation will resume.

Indefinite Silence: Silence may be used as a way to express anger or disapproval without saying anything directly. There’s no effort to return to the issue or repair the argument. 

Refusal To Engage: When one party tries to share their feelings, they’re met with silence, avoidance, or flat dismissal. The person stonewalling might resume normal activities such as watching TV, going to bed, or even offering physical affection (like a hug or a kiss), without any conversation about the issue. These are not attempts at repair, these are attempts to silence in the instance of stonewalling. 

Why It's Unhealthy:

The silence becomes a wall that blocks connection and vulnerability, signaling that communication is conditional or unsafe. Stonewalling doesn’t make problems go away, it just buries them. Over time, unresolved issues pile up, and resentment grows, making future conflicts more volatile. The partner who is shut out may feel powerless, devalued, or dismissed. Eventually, this can lead to emotional numbness or even the breakdown of the relationship altogether. 

How To Break The Pattern If You Are The One Who Stonewalls

Stonewalling often feels automatic, especially if it's a learned response to conflict. The key is learning to pause without shutting down, and to stay present without being overwhelmed. Rather than walking away and coming back like nothing happened, come back with intention. This means being ready to have a real conversation, not downplay it or pretend it didn’t matter. This is what builds emotional safety and trust over time: knowing that even when there's distance, repair is possible.

1. Recognize your triggers. Ask yourself: What makes me feel emotionally flooded or defensive? When do I tend to shut down (feeling accused, misunderstandings, raised voices, criticism?)

2. Name it. Let the other person know when you start feeling overwhelmed. This level of self awareness may take some time to recognize but it turns emotional withdrawal into a responsible boundary instead of a silent wall.

3. Re-engage with curiosity. Instead of disappearing to move on, let your partner know when you’ll return. Tell him or her you may need twenty minutes and then, here's the key difference, use that time to reflect, not escape. Come back and restart the conversation from a grounded place. Approach with curiosity, not defense. For example, leading with a question or a reflection signals openness, not just temporary avoidance. 

What To Do When You're Being Stonewalled

Being stonewalled can feel incredibly confusing. You're left in a space of emotional limbo, often questioning what happened, what you did wrong, or how to fix things. While you can't control someone else's behavior, you can protect your emotional well-being and respond in a way that honors both your needs and the relationship. 

1. Take a step back: When you're being stonewalled, your nervous system can go into overdrive. You might feel angry, desperate, or anxious to "fix" things right away. But trying to force communication in the moment usually backfires. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, but avoid escalating the conflict. 

2. Don't force resolution: It’s tempting to plead for answers or lower your standards to try and get the other person to talk, but this often reinforces the power imbalance stonewalling creates. Instead, give space when needed while also leaving the door open for healthy dialogue.

3. Asses the situation: Acknowledge your feelings while also trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Active listening skills can be beneficial in situations like these. Is this a one time event or a pattern? Are they overwhelmed, angry, deliberately avoiding or unsure of how to move forward? 

A Note From PsychNest

Stonewalling and taking space are two distinct responses in conflict or emotionally charged situations, though they may appear similar on the surface. 

Stonewalling involves shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage in communication, often leaving the other person feeling dismissed or invalidated. It is typically a defensive reaction to feeling overwhelmed, but it can damage relationships by blocking resolution and emotional connection. 

In contrast, taking space is a healthy and intentional act of pausing a conversation to manage emotions, reflect, or prevent escalation. Unlike stonewalling, taking space includes clear communication about the need for a break and a commitment to revisit the issue later. The key difference lies in intent, communication, and emotional responsibility. 

Sources

• Fischer DJ, Fink BC. Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy. Psychotherapy (Chic). 2014;51(1):11-4. doi:10.1037/a0033823

• Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-977. doi:10.1037/a0040239