Boundaries vs Control

What Are Boundaries?

Hint: they start with "I". 

A boundary is about you. Your limits, your comfort zone. Boundaries are a declaration of what you will or won't accept. They're self respecting and you don't need someone's permission to set one. You just need to be clear about what's okay for you. What makes a boundary healthy is that it’s self directed. You’re not forcing someone else to change, you're stating how you will respond. Most importantly, you follow through after.

Healthy boundaries sound like this:

✅ “If the conversation turns into personal attacks, I’ll have to end this call.” 

✅ “I won’t tolerate family events where people are aggressive.” 

✅ “I'm happy to talk when we can be calm and respectful."

✅“I’m not available to respond to work messages after 6 p.m.” 

✅“Being called names is a hard line for me. If it happens again, I’ll leave the room.” 

✅"I can listen, but I won’t take sides.” 

Before The Boundary: The Request

Healthy boundaries are often predated by a request. 

Most of the time, setting a boundary isn't the first move but it's what you put in place after a request isn't being honored. Requests invite cooperation. Boundaries protect your peace when cooperation isn’t possible. You’re not controlling their behavior, you’re being transparent about how you’ll respond if the request can’t be met. When someone repeats the same harmful behavior after you've already tried to communicate about it? That's a sign it may be time for a boundary.

Request: “Hey could you not yell during arguments? I felt hurt when that happened."
Boundary: “I've told you how I feel about yelling, now I'm going to step outside."

What Boundaries Are NOT

Healthy boundaries don’t come from resentment or power plays. They come from self responsibility and emotional clarity. It's important to ask yourself why you want to set the boundary. Many people confuse boundaries with attempts to fix, manage, or punish others. So let’s get specific:

🔻 Boundaries are not:

❌ A way to get someone to behave right

❌ A punishment for doing something you don’t like

❌ A test to see if they care enough to change

❌ A form of withdrawal to incite guilt

❌ A way to feel superior by using therapy language

What Is Control?

Spoiler: It's about them, not you.

Controlling behavior is very focused on the other person. Control means trying to change, direct, or dominate another person’s behavior or feelings. It often comes from a place of insecurity, fear, or a need to feel powerful. But most of all, it impedes on a person's autonomy and disregards their free will.

Controlling behavior sounds like this:

🔴 "You have to check in every hour or I worry."

🔴 "Stop being so sensitive, get over it."

🔴 "I'm only trying to help you. You need to [do this]."

🔴 "You can't go over there."

🔴 “You're not allowed to talk to them anymore."

🔴 “If you really loved me, you’d dress the way I like.”