"Sorry You Feel That Way" and Other Insincere Apologies
"Sorry You Feel That Way" and Other Insincere Apologies
How to spot a bad apology, why word choice matters and what it means to hold space for real accountability.
Published on May 20, 2025
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We've all heard an apology that didn’t feel quite right.
Maybe it was the classic “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or a robotic “I apologize” with no emotion behind it. These kinds of statements often leave us feeling dismissed rather than heard.
What is it about certain apologies that ring hollow? Why do some attempts at making amends actually backfire? Am I even apologizing the right way myself? In this article, we delve into the psychology of insincere apologies: how to recognize them, why people use them, and the impact they have on relationships and emotional well-being.
The Anatomy Of A Poor Apology
The Anatomy Of A Poor Apology
Not all apologies are created equal. Some seem like apologies on the surface, but under scrutiny, they fall short. Or worse, cause further harm. Here are some common examples you may have heard or even said yourself:
- The Passive Apology: Mistakes Were Made
Phrases like "There was yelling," or "Things got out of hand," removes the apologizer from the equation. Who made the mistakes? What were they? Without specifics, accountability gets diluted. Passive language serves to protect ego and reputation rather than address harm.
- The If Apology: Sorry If I Hurt You
The word "if" introduces doubt and questions whether the offense even occurred. It subtly casts the situation as ambiguous, even though the other party has already expressed that they were hurt. This can suggest that the problem lies in how the other person interpreted things, not in what was actually done.
- The Over Apology: I'm The Worst Person Ever
Hearing someone say things like "I guess I'm a horrible partner," or "Just leave me then since I'm so bad," can be really troubling to deal with. It flips the roles so now the person who was hurt has to reassure and comfort the person who hurt them. This makes the apology about the apologizer’s emotional distress instead of the harm done.
- The Obligatory Apology: I Said Sorry, What Else Do You Want?
This type of apology typically comes with other phrases like, "Are you seriously still mad after I apologized?" or "Okay, fine, I'm sorry okay?". It's more about ending the conversation than about making things right. Often, the speaker wants to avoid consequences and restore their own comfort without actually repairing the conflict.
- The Minimalizing Apology: It's Not a Big Deal, But Sorry You're Sensitive
Essentially, this apology frames the reaction as the problem, not the behavior. If the hurt isn't acknowledged, no real healing can take place. It leaves the other person feeling stuck or unseen. Often, people minimize because they feel guilty or defensive. Then they try to shrink the problem so they don't have to face their own discomfort.
- The Moving On Apology: Let's Forget About It
This apology skips the emotional labor of listening, processing, and making amends. A true apology is the start of repair, not the end. This type of response cuts off necessary dialogue. Instead of staying present with the hurt, this approach pushes to restore emotional equilibrium for the one who caused the harm.
The Opposite: A Healthy Apology
The Opposite: A Healthy Apology
Here’s a simple example of a real apology:
Name what you did ("I yelled at you in front of others.")
Acknowledge the impact ("I see how that embarrassed and hurt you.")
Take responsibility ("I'm sorry I did that.")
Make it right ("I’ll work on handling stress by going for a run.")
Give space if needed ("Do you need time apart or something else?")
A Note From PsychNest
A Note From PsychNest
In the end, apologies should serve as bridges to understanding, not barriers to accountability. Phrases like “sorry you feel that way” may sound polite on the surface, but they often mask defensiveness, avoidance, or a refusal to acknowledge harm.
True apologies require vulnerability, responsibility, and a genuine effort to repair trust. As we navigate increasingly complex conversations—whether personal, professional, or public—it’s worth remembering that sincerity isn’t just a courtesy; it’s the foundation of meaningful connection.
Sources
Sources
Yamamoto K, et al. (2021). Sorry, Not Sorry: Effects of Different Types of Apologies and Self-Monitoring on Non-verbal Behaviors.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8428520/Roschk H, et al. (2012). The nature of an apology: An experimental study on how to apologize after a service failure.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/24571112
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