Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

Types of Abuse 

You may be experiencing domestic abuse if your partner frequently exhibits one or more of the following range of behaviors:

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

• Makes cruel jokes or sarcastic remarks about you, your appearance, or your life

• Makes you question your feelings, reality, or memory

• Mocks or dismisses your goals, feelings, or opinions

• Yells or screams at you even during small disagreements

• Uses degrading names like "bitch," "slut," "whore," "lazy," or "asshole,"

• Mocks your appearance, mannerisms, or voice

• Constantly interrupts or talks over you in arguments

Coercion and Control

• Threatens self-harm if you disagree, leave, or don't do what he/she wants

• Stops you from seeing family or friends

• Checks your phone or emails without your permission

• Carries or shows weapons in a fight, even if not used

• Makes you feel guilty when you spend time away from him/her

• Demanding to know where you are at all times

• Dictating what you can wear, how you look, or where you can go

Physical Abuse

• Pushes, slaps, grabs, restrains, hits, punches, kicks, or chokes you in anger - even if it only happened once

• Pins you down or blocks doorways to stop you from leaving

• Destroys your belongings in arguments

• Punching walls, throwing objects, slamming doors, kicking furniture, or hitting surfaces to intimidate you

Sexual Abuse

• Mocks your sexual preferences, reactions, or body

• Pressures you into having sex when you aren't interested

• Forces you to engage in sexual activities against your will 

• Unwanted sexual comments, gestures, or advances

Financial Abuse

• Refusing to share financial information or accounts 

• Not allowing you to work or sabotaging your job 

• Taking or withholding paychecks or benefits (like child support, disability) 

• Stealing money from you or selling your possessions

• Doesn't allow you access to your own finances

• Deliberately overspends money to harm your financial stability 

Abusive Language

Abusive language is often disguised as concern, humor, or even love, but over time, it can deeply erode someone's sense of self-worth, safety, and autonomy. Note that the presence of these phrases alone doesn't always indicate abuse, but when they're part of a frequent pattern, they can signal serious harm. 

1. Veiled Threats

• "You don't want to make me angry."

• "It's not like I punched you, get over it."

• "You think this is bad? I could be a lot worse."

• "I could kill you if I really wanted to but don't worry, I won't."

• "I know how to hurt people, you don't want to find out."

• "If you don't shut up, I'll slap you."

• "I never actually meant to hurt you, but I could." 

• "If you ever leave, I’ll kill the dog." 

• "That wasn’t even hard, I could’ve done worse." 

2. Isolation

• "Your friends don't really care about you."

• "If you really loved me, you'd stay home."

• "Why do you need to talk to them so much?"

• "Don't go see them, or else."

• "Nobody will love you like I do, you're lucky to have me."

• "You'd be nowhere without me in your life."

• "I just don't like them, so you should listen to me."

• "You're not allowed to go there, especially dressed like that."

3. Justifying 

• "I was just joking."

• "Stop being so sensitive."

• "It's not a big deal."

• "I wouldn't have [said/done harmful thing] if I didn't care."

• "You're dramatic, it wasn't like that."

• "At least I didn't [do something worse]."

• "I'm just being honest."

• "I was just stressed/drunk/tired."

• "You're upset over nothing."

4. Guilt Tripping

• "After all I do for you.."

• "You owe me."

• "I guess I just care more than you do."

• "I'm always the bad guy."

• "Just leave me like everyone else."

• "I give you everything and you give me nothing."

• "Oh, so everything is my fault?"

5. Verbal Insults

• "You only got that job because they felt sorry for you."

• "You're a terrible parent."

• "I could get any woman/man I wanted, you should be grateful."

• "You'll never amount to anything, you're a loser."

• "I'm just trying to help, you'd look better if you [changed this]."

Seeking Help

If you're reading this and it resonates with your experience, consider this a sign: you deserve to be treated with respect. Relating to even just one or two signs could indicate it's time to reassess your relationship and if you feel safe with your partner.

Recognizing the signs of a domestically abusive relationship is the first—and often most difficult—step toward change. If you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse, understand this: those behaviors are not normal, and help is available.

Here are steps you can take if you’re in an abusive situation or supporting someone who is:

1. Acknowledge That Something Is Wrong

You may downplay what’s happening or blame yourself. It’s important to understand that abuse is never your fault. Name the behaviors: lying, violence, name calling, shoving, etc.

2. Document The Abuse

Only if it is safe to do so, keep a record of abusive incidents. This isn't about being secretive or ruining someone's image- you don't have to share anything. But save threatening messages, voicemails, or phone calls. Take photos of physical injuries or damaged property. Write down dates, times, and descriptions of what happened and store these somewhere safe if possible. In the instance of restraining orders or custody cases, these documents will help. 

3. Reach Out to Someone You Trust

This part may feel scary, serious, or embarrassing, but isolation is a common tactic in abusive relationships. Reaching out helps break that. When it's safe to do so, confide in a trusted friend, relative, parent, sibling, or therapist. You don't have to share every detail, just let someone know you don't feel safe.

4. Create a safety plan

You don't have to be ready to leave the instant you make a plan, especially if leaving might be dangerous or heartbreaking. A safety plan protects you and prepares you for escalated situations. Your plan may include naming a safe place to go in an emergency, have a small bag packed with essentials (ID, wallet, medications, clothes, keys), and emergency numbers saved under disguised names.